Nighttime Cuddles

               

On January 5 I posted this on facebook:

Just spent the last hour upstairs in Bennett's room rocking and cuddling him while he napped. Not because he was fussy, just because I wanted to. No tv, no distractions. It was wonderful to watch him peacefully sleep in my arms:)

It has been 91 days since that day.

And I can honestly say,

January 5th was the last time Bennett allowed me to hold

and rock him to sleep, until tonight.

Do not get me wrong, I am oh so thankful that our little boy

has great sleep habits, one of which is his ability to put himself to sleep.

However, gone are the days of our rocking and cuddling.

And to be honest, it makes me so sad.

As I sat there tonight, I was overcome with emotion.

His body used to fit so perfectly in my arms.

Now he has doubled in size,

and to be honest, he is a bit awkward to hold "like a baby"

I felt a bit guilty.

Guilty because I thought back to the bedtimes,

midnight feedings, and nap times I prayed and pleaded he would

just fall asleep so I could put him down and move on with my day.

Tonight, I wished it would never end, I wished that I could hold him like that forever.

I actually didn't want to put him down.

I dreaded having to put him down.

I didn't realize time would go so fast.

And I know, everyone tells you, "it goes so fast."

But you don't realize just how fast, until you look back and your

sweet little newborn has turned into a ball of energy and personality,

with his own agenda, if I might add.

I eventually worked up the courage to put him down.

And it will probably be another 90 days before he

cuddles with me like that again. And it took me 6 months to realize this:

I have learned to appreciate every little moment just like that.

I wish I knew this in the first few weeks of his life. 

I wish I realized how quickly time passes, 

and how some days I beg him to just let me cuddle him. 

But for now, I will just appreciated the moments he does give me.

But the next one....the next one I will know:)